“What Do I Want?”: A Question I Ask Myself All the Time and Makes My Head Hurts
Around two weeks ago, I had a meetup with my best friend here in Jakarta. At that time, we hadn’t spoken to each other for months. Early adulthood is to blame for that, I guess.
Long story short we met up in this nice coffee shop in Central Jakarta and we started talking about so many things, such as: reminiscing our childhood and how we became friends in high school; a little update here and there about our other friends aka ghibah session; talks about how the birth control pill is basically fucking up women’s hormones and making them suffer (of course I randomly started this topic albeit never actually experienced using it lol); and of course the classic work-life update.
In the middle of our conversation, she said as I quote,
“When we were in school, we had an actual goal, or something to aim for: to graduate. But working leads us to nowhere, we just keep doing it without knowing what’s next, or what we actually want.”
What do we actually want?
Whenever I think about that question, deep in my heart I always demand a weighty answer. An answer that I can use as a compass so that every step I take can lead me to that goal.
Surprise, surprise. I never got any.
So I stay alive and do my thing every single day without actually knowing where I’m heading to. I believe this isn’t just a me-problem, it’s everyone’s problem! Especially you, my fellow early 20’s gang.
Maybe I should start with smaller things. What do I want?
But wait. Does it have to be something that I can work on, something that can make me a better person, or it can simply be something that I… want?
Let me choose the easier one, the latter. So, what do I want?
Maybe… I want… someone to hang out with after work. Coffee shop dates or people-watching in a quiet park on weekends. Releasing more original music on digital platforms and having more people cry with them. More books — fiction, non-fiction, essays — to read. Therapy. Daily doses of good-quality coffee, preferably iced and black. Being able to open my heart, trust new people, and let them in. Building more muscle so that I can lift a gallon of water myself. I also want to eat good-quality ramen and sushi. Maybe I also want to go to Japan even though I don’t know what for, probably just to collect some footage I can use at times. Oh my God have I told you I really want to try eating lobster? And a sushi-grade raw salmon! I want to cook more, rather than ordering takeout. Finding joy in food, rather than seeing them as an enemy and feeling bad after each bite I take. I want to move out from this big city to somewhere quiet and humane, but still living a comfortable life.
What a list [chuckle].
After writing (and re-reading) the list, I still can’t conclude it into a bigger, singular answer to the question: “What do I want?”. However, I don’t feel like overthinking tonight because I have been doing it the whole day.
To be honest with you I just finished a heavy crying session before writing this article, so my head kind of hurts right now. But thinking and writing about ramen and sushi makes me feel better just a bit.
At the end of this, I just want to shed a little encouragement for myself (and maybe for you) to always find little things to hang on to, every single day.
Because maybe, as much as I hate being alive, all I want is just to be alive.
(Wait, did I just find the answer?)
